Fear & Tiredness

I try to keep this feed relatively professional, whilst remaining true and honest to myself too. That can be a fine line to walk sometimes. Especially on days like today. Today I am very tired because my 3yr old Son was up screaming for most of the night. He was saying his leg hurt. I think it was cramp and possibly nightmares, after an incredibly active day, but nothing would settle him down; apart from me sleeping beside him. So at 3am I lay beside him, in his single bed. I was pushed up against the wall, limbs bent in uniminaginable ways to fit in.

This kind of tired not only makes me deeply unproductive, but it also makes my emotions huge, like skyscrapers looming over my sad little lawn.

It makes me worry, about every. little. bit. of. my. life.

Am I doing enough? I’m not good enough. Nobody likes me. I have no skills. I’m an idiot. The list keeps growing. I know it’s not true, it’s the part of my brain that is tired and yearns for distraction. The words still float around, up in that sky, beside those skyscrapers.

So I’ve made lists. Probably the same lists I made a few days ago. Maybe these ones will be more effective. Maybe somehow I’ll find more time in my days this week to actually tick things off. Maybe I’m just distracting myself because I’m kind of terrified of finishing Book 3. Book 3. My goodness. Book 3 is the one where I have to face some of my demons. Book 3 is painful, yet hopeful. I know it’s going to be a journey, and it’s one I need to go through. I feel lucky to be able to go through it with good people in my world.

Sometimes, life fills me with fear. I can’t explain it very well, but it resonates from deep within. Fear. Sometimes at night, my son says ‘I feel scared’ for no reason. I think it’s because he’s tired, but honestly, I know that feeling too. Where deep inside fear dwells. I think it lingers, waiting for you to feel tired. Sometimes.

Anyway, no artwork to share today, just a slice of me. Honesty, vulnerability, truth.

Thank you again, friend, I appreciate you so much!