Blue Notebooks

In reverie

This time of year really messes with my head. I used to love it, waiting for sweater weather to cozy up in front of the fire. Cold walks and crisp air. Now there’s no fire, in more ways than one. I think more than anything this season was when I would spend most time with my Mum, inside the house, reading and watching movies. It was also her birthday last week, and will be mine in January, and she died in February 2 years ago. It changes the cosy feeling, the memory of the fire. It’s now more like walking through a frost-covered field. There’s beauty there, so much that it’s aching, but it’s coloured with sadness and trials of survival too. I think sometimes that’s what life really is; the beauty in survival. If you can find that then everything else is truly amazing. Maybe, anyway….

I’m rambling, I’ll get back to the meaningful comic book stuff now.
In November I exhibited at Thought Bubble Comic Festival in Harrogate. I’ve had a table there around 6 times I think, and each year it fills my heart up more than the last. I get to meet friends and fans, and make new friends, and have such important affirming conversations with people the entire weekend. I was also at The Lakes Comic Art Festival in October, and that too was beautiful, full of lovely conversations with such kind and interesting people. I find these shows deeply moving, and I’ve learnt so much about myself from being there.

One thing often comes back to my mind; The more I’ve given of myself, the more I get back. The more honest, and open, and kind I’m able to be, the more true the connections and friendships that are formed.

Since then I’ve had to sort lots of Etsy orders, and send replacements for Kickstarter parcels that seem to be lost in transit - the Royal Mail strikes have caused a number of parcels to go missing, which has cost me some money. But that’s part of it, as always, and I support the CWU and think all these strikes in the UK are important and emblematic of greater econmic and political issues that have been growing for years. Everything has a breaking point.

I’ve also been thinking a lot about imposter syndrome. I think it’s a problem that plagues even very successful professionals and independent creators alike, and I think it has more to do with how our brains work than it does with our actual skills. As a human being with a soul, our creations are fundamentally unique expressions of our soul at the exact precise moment we create whatever we’re creating. A statement of how amazing it is to be alive. But if your brain is like mine, and I think we’re probably friends because of brain similarities, then there’s a bigger side in there that won’t accept that, won’t believe compliments to be true, won’t ever feel good enough no matter how far you get in your career. My approach is to try not to give that side too much of a platform, and to try and focus on embracing creating because I love the process. I love how it feels to be able to work on something and share it, to be able to express something through comics and talk to people about it afterwards. The voice that tells me I’m sh!t, well that voice can wait, because I’m busy now. I don’t really listen to my own advice, but the words I offer people are along the lines of; “You’re amazing, and what you’re capable of doing and what you choose to spend your time working on is absolutely beautiful. You’re incredibly talented, highly skilled, knowledgable, and kind. You deserve so much success and happiness.”

Brains are complicated things though, and negative feedback always sticks harder than compliments. I think you’ll be ok if you find love that isn’t dependent on either compliment or criticism.

That’s it, I need to end it here. I have some big news from this past week too, I’m just not sure when I can share it at the moment… hopefully soon! Otherwise I’ll share more with you in January. Time for me to do some drawing, go to a meeting, then pick up my boy from Nursery.